68 Thoughts I Had About ‘Toy Story 5’

If you’re wondering what it’s like to be a 30-something, single, childfree woman seeing Toy Story 5 alone at the Burbank AMC at 10:30 a.m. on opening day, let me tell you: it’s a lot. Between the film’s colorful antics, the ear-splitting joy of the small children all around me, and my slight yet persistent hangover, watching Toy Story 5 in theaters was mildly harrowing—but I still liked the movie! And I really like that my job sometimes involves seeing movies and recapping them on Friday mornings!

Below, please find every thought I had (literally) while watching Toy Story 5.

1. Should I become a Stubs member?
2. I was going to complain about how many kids are at this morning screening of a kids’ movie, but…
3. Likely place for them to be!
4. Aw, it’s Buzz Lightyear. Hello, old friend.
5. Or…a lot of Buzzes?
6. Incidentally, I’m pleased to report that a two-year-old I occasionally babysit is still enamored with his Woody and Jessie dolls.
7. Some things are eternal!
8. If this “A long time ago” flashback turns out to be the year I was born, I’m going to be upset.
9. I want a tire swing.
10. Nothing makes me cry quite like a shy child.
11. It’s okay, shy child! Spread your wings!
12. I mean…do you really want to be friends with blond boy-girl twins?
13. “Why won’t anyone be my friend?”
14. Yeah, no, I don’t think I can have children, if the fact that I’m already sobbing at this drawing of a child’s social exclusion is any indication.
15. Oh, the blond twins are iPad babies? Ugh.
16. Damn, this movie is not coming in subtle with the big-tech criticism, and I love it.
17. Don’t get your kid an evil iPad to help her fit in, parents!
18. Then again, I wanted a pink Sidekick for exactly that reason, and if memory serves, it worked (kind of).
19. Wow, this green frog iPad is a bitch.
20. Aw! Social invites for Bonnie!
21. Is eight kind of young for a sleepover?
22. I feel like I didn’t have one until early middle school, but maybe I was just weird.
23. God, this shot of all the kids on the street illuminated by their iPads is quite moving.
24. “Toys are for play, but tech is for everything.” Woof.
25. I forgot Buzz and Jessie have a will-they/won’t-they thing going.
26. It’s crazy to take notes on my phone throughout a movie about how technology is sapping us of our life force, but that’s how the sausage is made.
27. Physical toys at a sleepover? Think again, diva.
28. I’ll never forget the joy I got when I found out that the most popular girl in my fifth-grade class still played with Barbies, though (as did I).
29. I love this weird little horse!
30. Okay, I get the point this movie is making, but…sometimes staring at your phone in the company of your best friends can be transcendent.
31. Are we going to meet Jessie’s first kid, Emily?
32. I mean, why would she still live at her childhood address?
33. Whoa, real horse!
34. Or…CGI horse?
35. IDK.
36. Nice day for a cutlery wedding!
37. How am I just learning now that Wallace Shawn voices Rex?
38. Wow, Woody in a poncho got a big laugh from the crowd.
39. I want a baby pig!
40. Lena Dunham has one!!! No fair!
41. This deer is creeping me out.
42. Okay, this potty-training plot is losing me a little.
43. Now, Jessie, let’s not be throwing around harsh words like “useless”!
44. More childhood social abandonment????
45. Come on, Pixar!
46. If I was a tween and someone who owned a domesticated pig invited me over, you wouldn’t be able to keep me away.
47. Aw, I miss shitty vintage Internet.
48. I’m still not totally understanding the purpose of the Buzz Army.
49. I love to see a pig in pearls.
50. And with a scepter, no less!
51. Starting to feel a little sad for this iPad, not gonna lie!
52. She’s just trying to help Bonnie make friends, damn.
53. Okay, good veiled Alexa/Siri reference.
54. Not the group-chat cyberbullying!
55. That’s only funny when my friends and I (all adults) do it to each other!
56. Okay, Woody really does have that poncho on.
57. Okay, how am I crying again?!?
58. I mean, yes, I’m in my luteal phase, but damn.
59. First Kid Emily named her daughter Jessie?!?
60. I’m crying again.
61. So is a child in the audience, but for presumably unrelated reasons.
62. Choosing to interpret “you’re not useless, Sheriff!” as a subtle Muriel’s Wedding reference.
63. Should I get an indoor trampoline?
64. LMFAO, half the kids in my theater yelled “EW!” at the Buzz/Jessie kiss…and they’re right! Toy Story is not about romance!
65. Am I crazy to think Jessie and the iPad frog might have been a better couple?
66. God forbid a Pixar film get a little gay with it!
67. YAY, IRL toys!
68. YAY, friendship!