A wise woman once said: “I will not be judged by you or society.” She also said, “Hello, my name is Fabulous!” and “You can’t swing a Fendi purse without knocking over five losers.” We’re talking, of course, about Samantha Jones, arguably Sex and the City’s funniest, wisest, most progressive and life-loving character.
With her open-minded, sex-positive approach to men and dating, her unwaveringly loyal approach to friendship, and her don’t-fuck-with-me approach to work, Samantha was the woman we all wanted to be, and the woman we all wanted to listen to—even now. Though Sex and the City ended two entire decades ago, many of her most valuable life lessons—usually delivered via purring, zingy one-liners, either with a dirty martini in one hand or while waving a fork over brunch—feel just as relevant today.
And so, without further ado, on Kim Cattrall’s 70th birthday, here are 70 of the greatest Samantha Jones quotes of all time.
- “Dirty martini? Dirty bastard!”
- “You can’t swing a Fendi purse without knocking over five losers.”
- “Please, Maria has 10 dicks!” *waves fingers*
- “I am harsh. I am also demanding, stubborn, self-sufficient, and always right—in bed, at the office, and everywhere else.”
- “Easy? Honey, they don’t call it a ‘job’ for nothing.”
- “Fuck me badly once, shame on you. Fuck me badly twice, shame on me.”
- “I have decided, after careful consideration, that I might be ready for bigger boobs.”
- “A guy gets angry in a meeting, he’s a pistol. A woman? She’s emotional.”
- “I think I have monogamy. I caught it from you people.”
- “I’m dating a guy with the funkiest tasting spunk!”
- “What’s your age ceiling with men? Factor in millions and millions of dollars.”
- “I’m telling you, Carrie. It was like a wall of flesh coming at me… I mean, it was quite a shock, his hands are relatively tiny.”
- “He’s doing it on his lunch hour, I’m going to follow him. Oh, don’t worry, he won’t know it’s me, I got a wig from the Raquel Welch wig line.”
- “Three errant hairs and this asshole thinks I’m George of the Jungle. And you should see the bush on him, I need a weed-whacker just to find his dick.”
- “I don’t believe in the Republican party or the Democratic party. I just believe in parties.”
- “Do you know that when a vagina gets engorged, it expands to the size of a fist? It’s like a fabulous cave!”
- “I don’t understand why women are so obsessed with getting married. I mean, married people just want to be single again.”
- “I’m a try-sexual: I’ll try anything once.”
- “I fucked a guy once because his family had a pool.”
- “I love you too, Richard, but I love me more.”
- “The right guy is an illusion. Start living your lives.”
- “If I worried what every bitch in New York was saying about me, I’d never leave the house!”
- “I will not be judged by you or society. I will wear whatever and blow whomever I want as long as I can breathe—and kneel.”
- Carrie: “You brought a pregnant woman a bottle of scotch?”
Samantha: “The invitation said ‘BYOB’.” - “I’m going to have a big drink. Jealous?”
- “Men aren’t that complicated. They’re kind of like plants.”
- “I’m not going to die in this tin can. I have a date with a dildo.”
- “Since when did kids become the get-out-of-cancer-free card?”
- “I masturbated to my priest.”
- “Money is power. Sex is power. Therefore, getting money for sex is simply an exchange of power.”
- “If you were 25 that would be adorable, but you’re 32. That’s just stupid.”
- “I’m sick of people with children, they’re everywhere.”
- “His dick is like a gherkin.”
- “The country runs better with a good-looking man in the White House. I mean, look what happened with Nixon. No one wanted to fuck him, so he fucked everyone.”
- “I feel the same way about being a bridesmaid as you feel about Botox—painful and unnecessary.”
- “The good ones screw you, the bad ones screw you, and the rest don’t know how to screw you.”
- “Men cheat for the same reason that dogs lick their balls—because they can.”
- “The only words you should say in bed are dirty ones.”
- “Nipples are huge right now, open any magazine.”
- “Yes, I need glasses and I’m not ashamed. I have a sexy young man who loves to fuck me and I’m fabulous.”
- “I go to children’s birthday parties for you. You’re going to Abu Dhabi for me.”
- “You know, marriage doesn’t guarantee a happy ending—just an ending.”
- “I am leading the way through the menopause maze with my vitamins, my melatonin sleep patches, my bioidentical estrogen cream, progesterone cream, a touch of testosterone… I’ve tricked my body into thinking it’s younger.”
- “I don’t get laid unless the Knicks win.”
- “An ex is an ex for a reason.”
- “The new millennium won’t be about sexual labels. It’ll be about sexual expression. It won’t matter if you’re sleeping with men or women. It’ll be about sleeping with individuals.”
- “Oh please, there’s always a contest with an ex. It’s called, ‘Who will die miserable?’”
- “I’m fifty-fucking-two and I will rock this dress.”
- “Honey, what’s the point of being in the suburbs if you’re not going to fuck a gardener?”
- Charlotte: “Trey and I are trying to have a baby.”
Samantha: “Why?” - “I’m done with great love. I’m back to great lovers.”
- “Hello, my name is Fabulous.”
- “I am not the type of woman who sits home all day waiting for a man.”
- “I never met a man who was bad in bed and who was good at life.”
- “Why don’t you go fuck yourself, because I won’t be doing it again.”
- “It’s dickalicious.”
- “How dare you! These are Chanel.”
- “You dated Mr. Big, I’m dating Mr too big.”
- Charlotte: “She stole my baby name!
Samantha: “You bitch!” - “I remember when Danny had more than one thought… and they all involved going up my ass.”
- “Oh please, if you’re a whore, what does that make me?”
- “You have a lot of nerve telling me to get a wax… Every time I blow you I feel like I’m flossing.”
- “They practically chased me with torches like I was Fuckenstein.”
- “We can’t leave yet! They haven’t even cut the cock!”
- “This is so typical of men in power. They love to be dominated and humiliated.”
- “Is that the smallest man you’ve ever seen?”
- “He is a hot priest! Look at his robe, it’s so Robin and His Merrie Men.”
- “I don’t do sick person.”
- “Why does everybody have to get married and have kids? It’s so cliché.”
- “I can masturbate to whomever I like!”
