Warning: Spoilers ahead.
Did you happen to see the recent Graham Norton episode in which Alexander Skarsgård gifted Norton his wicker nipples? There’s a sentence I never thought I’d write. But it makes (some kind of) sense if you’re lucky enough to have watched Skarsgård creaking around as a rattan stud in the new movie, Wicker.
A little necessary background on the film’s plot: Skarsgård’s character is the creation of the local Basketmaker (Peter Dinklage) in a rural medieval town, having been commissioned by the town’s ostracized Fisherwoman (Olivia Colman). She’s decided she’s had enough of the bullying and condescension, which is largely due to her gamey aura and not giving a fin about the town’s misogynistic culture. The Basketmaker—whose skills go far beyond furniture making—weaves her a match, Fiddler on the Roof-like, and the Fisherwoman, after an awkward matrimonial moment, takes Wicker Husband home to her funky little cottage.
What happens in that funky little cottage has the townspeople startled out of their sleep: Is someone regularly being murdered in the vicinity of the newlyweds’ love nest? The question arises because the wicker fellow is, in spite of his earthy origin, downright Olympian in the sack.
And here I have to bring up one of the issues that niggled at me throughout this overall lovely fairy tale. There’ve been scores of TikToks spoofing the alluring aspects of bamboo, but I’ve seen only one so far reporting on what would happen if you had sex with a wicker dick. (That is the actual headline: What Would Happen If You Had Sex with a Wicker Dick?) Especially as a woman over 50 (and also over 70), I think there should be far more discussion around the fact that a basket phallus might be one very problematic kind of woody. There’s just no amount of lube that could ameliorate this situation. One TikTok video, even as it mentions something about an abundance of splinters, doesn’t allude to how deeply painful a wicker penis would be. “Oh, get over yourself,” a friend said to me when I mentioned that I found the penis situation untenable. “You have to submit to a suspension of disbelief required to enjoy the story anyway.”
