Like it or not, there’s no denying that the group-chat era is upon us. In recent years, group chats have taken the place of social media platforms like Facebook and Instagram, both of which have begun to feel less and less like communal spaces for sharing personal updates and more like one big ad. By contrast, the group chat is private, deliberate, and much more intimate.
But with any new social environment comes new rules, norms, and etiquette. How do we navigate these new digital watering holes?
That depends. For close friends or family in a chat, it’s important to understand the underlying dynamics already at play within the group. “Be aware of all of these symbolic meanings that you’re bringing from your offline world,” says Pamela Rutledge, PhD, director of the Media Psychology Research Center, an independent group of collaborative researchers, and Professor Emerita at Fielding Graduate University. “Why are we so surprised that these things that we do offline have translations online? Just because we’re all on a group chat doesn’t mean we all get along any better than if we were all sitting around a lunch table.”
For chats with what social psychologists refer to as weak ties—for example, the women in your book club, or an alumni group—things may feel a little more formal. In those chats, specifically, a guide to etiquette and appropriate behavior may feel the most useful. And most rewarding. “It’s all these little groups that make us feel more connected,” says Dr. Rutledge. “That’s a very positive thing because feeling like you belong is one of the core drivers of well-being and human behavior and all those other good things.” So, what are those expectations?
Glamour recently conducted an informal survey of more than 100 readers about all things group chat, including proper etiquette. With our readers’ feedback—as well as input from Glamour editors and, frankly, common sense—we came up with the 10 Commandments of the Group Chat. We can’t promise that strict adherence to these rules will result in a completely drama-free chat, but they will at least take some of the guesswork out of what is and isn’t expected in the day-to-day digital conversations that rule our social lives.
Heed with care!
10 Group Chat Rules to Live By
1. Thou shalt receive consent before making changes to the chat.
Glamour readers were very, very adamant that consent is needed from the group before a new person is added to the chat. The person being added to the chat also needs to give their consent. And if they say no, that’s fine! Some people are just not the group-chat type. It’s nothing to get worked up about.
2. Thou shalt not lurk.
Sixty-three percent of Glamour readers polled think lurking is annoying and also kind of creepy. Participate or leave!
3. Thou shalt not leave the chat without a notification.
There are many reasons why you might want to leave a group chat. Maybe there’s drama, or maybe you’re just incredibly overwhelmed by the number of notifications you’re receiving daily, or even hourly. But before you go, tell the chat that you’re leaving, and that if they want to reach you they can text you directly. Otherwise, the last person to have sent a message in the chat might feel like they were the reason for your sudden departure.
4. Thou shalt keep the gossip secret.
Gossip shared in the chat stays in the chat (unless otherwise specified). Chat is sacred! Treat conversations in a group chat the way you would the conversations at any social hang. Assume that something is being shared in confidence, especially if it tends toward gossipy. Screen shots are a risk that come with the territory, but remember the Golden Rule: Keep your lips zipped for others as you’d like them to keep their lips zipped for you.
