75 Thoughts I Had About ‘The Odyssey’

I may not have enjoyed The Odyssey when it was assigned to me in high school, philistine that I am, but I can definitely get behind a big-screen version directed by Christopher Nolan and starring…well, everyone, basically.

Below, find quite literally every thought I had about the nearly three-hour epic that is The Odyssey, minus a mental back-and-forth about going to get Junior Mints halfway through that I left on the cutting-room floor for your sake, fair reader. Also: spoilers ahead!

1. God, this theater is crowded.
2. Whatever happened to watching TV at home?
3. I would be, if I weren’t assigned to be here!
4. Hey, it’s Elliot Page 🙂
5. Well, he died fast 🙁
6. Is that Anne Hathaway behind that screen?
7. J’adore!
8. Wow, remember the movie Troy?
9. That takes me back (to 2004).
10. “None of us can ever really know who our fathers are”…tea.
11. LOL, I just misheard Telemachus as saying, “You watching Traitors?”
12. It’s Mia Goth! Hey, diva!
13. I hate fight scenes.
14. I’m just a girl!!!!!!!
15. Okay, can’t say I care for puppies being thrown over cliffs either.
16. The Lottery by Shirley Jackson boots.
17. Penelope’s titular shroud!
18. Love this shade of blue on Anne.
19. Don’t hate her earrings, either.
20. Odysseus is quite clearly not Jason Bateman, but I briefly thought he…was?
21. I want to go to an Ithaca party!
22. The town, not the college (though I’m sure Ithaca College parties are fun, too).
23. “You don’t want me to claim the throne myself.” Moms, am I right?
24. Fuck off, Telemachus! You clearly just want what Hamlet has.
25. I mean, I guess Telemachus was the chronological blueprint, but still.
26. Sorry, but I can’t hear the name Argus without thinking of Jack Donaghy’s beloved peacock.
27. Fighting over a dog’s honor……..valid, IMO.
28. ZENDAYA?!?
29. I really should have IMDb’ed this movie before rolling up to AMC.
30. Sorry, Charlize Theron?
31. And Matt Damon?
32. Ooh, dolphin!
33. The real star of this film!
34. “We’re Greeks, from Ithaca.” Okay, flex!
35. Not loving the vibe of this cave.
36. Girl, the cyclops!!!!!!!!
37. I haven’t looked at the screen in a while because I’m scared of the Cyclops, so IDK what’s going on, honestly.
38. Don’t poke a cyclops in the eye, famously!
39. Then again, I guess hindsight is 20/20 (heh).
40. This looks like it would be a really nice spot for a beach day if it weren’t for the fleeing Greek army.
41. A lot of men on dating apps are doing exactly what Matt Damon is doing beard-wise in this movie, and they shouldn’t.
42. “Where is my crew? When will you let me see my men?” – me when I get lost in the crowd at the gay guy function.
43. “The face that launched a thousand ships”…hey, I know her!
44. That’s my close personal friend Helen!
45. The location scout for this movie really went off.
46. Who’s this goofy-ass child?
47. Love them!
48. I wonder how much a suit of armor costs on Chairish.
49. Or could I get a budget one on eBay?
50. There is no onscreen commodity I will not fetishize, tbh. #SorryMarx
51. Armor in the ocean…it’s giving rust!
52. Circe!
53. That’s my friend’s cat’s name!
54. Best of luck un-ensnaring yourselves from this one, fellas.
55. Damn, that’s a lot of pigs (foreshadowing).
56. I just realized who Circe’s voice reminds me of, and it’s…Laurie from Euphoria?
57. Hate this pig scene 🙁
58. “Nobody sails into hell then comes back.” Really? Because I’ve been to the 14th Street subway underpass many times in my life!
59. Whom up defying the gods?
60. Scylla and Charybdis mentioned!
61. “I want to hear the siren song” – me listening to Lana Del Rey.
62. Is Matt Damon’s back art in this scene a reference to Ben Affleck’s infamous phoenix back tattoo…?
63. Obsessed with Telemachus’s kicky knee-high boots.
64. Argos 🙁
65. “It’s not always an easy thing, a homecoming.”
66. Why was the first thing I thought of at this line Lena Dunham’s Tiny Furniture?
67. “Yes, my queen.” a.k.a. how Anne Hathaway should always be addressed.
68. Damn, I want to feast in a palace.
69. The use of the word “party” as a verb feels a little anachronistic.
70. Very Sarah Pidgeon as CBK saying “I’m down to do it” on Love Story, if you will.
71. Arrow time!
72. Odysseus fight time!
73. Okay, that was fun.
74. Honestly, it was.
75. Bye!