35 Thoughts I Had About Season 13, Episode 1 of ‘American Horror Story’

I’ve been waiting patiently for some of my all-time favorite American Horror Story witches, bitches, divas, and all-around messy women to return to my TV screen, and the show’s 13th season—which features Sarah Paulson, Evan Peters, Angela Bassett, Emma Roberts, and Jessica Lange, among others—has ever so kindly brought them back to me.

Let’s dive into quite literally every thought I had while watching Season 13, Episode 1 of American Horror Story, shall we?

1. Hey! It’s Madelaine Petsch!
2. I’m going to be honest: I did not spell her first or last name correctly on the first try.
3. “No, I hate coffee.” Okay!
4. Well, I love these little ridged coffee cups.
5. Are Madelaine and her boyfriend at…a very corporate birthday party planner?
6. Oh, LOL, it’s an emergency couples therapy session.
7. “Are you not a Taylor fan? You lied to me? You’re not a Swiftie?”
8. LOL.
9. She had triskaidekaphilia…he had triskaidekaphobia…can I make it any more obvious?
10. I feel like he’s making up his fear of the number 13 to get out of going on this girls’ trip, which…fair.
11. “What’s the worst that could happen, right?”
12. Never ask that on a Ryan Murphy show!
13. Call me Sia, because that is one nice chandelier.
14. Yay! Avantika!
15. Yayyyyyyy! Sarah Paulson!
16. Instructing Avantika in witchery!
17. I fear I screamed at Emma Roberts as Madison Montgomery saying “Surprise, bitch.”
18. Is she wearing Sleeper?
19. JESSICA THEE LANGE!
20. Ew. Mouth blood.
21. Ew! Body horror!
22. These spooky, drippy main titles? Girls and gays, we’re so back.
23. Damn, those are some big sunflowers.
24. They look like the ones at this one community garden in BedStuy that I always stop and marvel at.
25. How in the living hell is Jessica Lange 77 years old?
26. You don’t hear people say “swarthy” so much anymore.
27. And maybe that’s for the best!
28. “No, he was a Jew.” Gotcha!
29. “I don’t think I even tried spaghetti until I was 24 years old.” Send in Megan Draper, stat!
30. John Waters 🙂
31. “Hail arnica,” indeed! It once cleared up a nasty bruise on my thigh in what felt like an hour.
32. Jessica Lange cheerfully saying “sponge bath” is a new vocal stim for me.
33. I could live without this old-man-in-sponge-bath closeup.
34. Well, that was unsettling!
35. And I’m locked in!