If you’d told me six months ago that I would one day thoroughly enjoy a movie about Olivia Colman gleefully making love to a pile of wicker in the shape of a man, I might not believe you. But that was exactly the case when I saw Alex Huston Fischer and Eleanor Wilson’s new film Wicker this weekend, co-starring Alexander Skarsgård, Peter Dinklage, and Elizabeth Debicki.
Below, find absolutely every thought I had while watching Wicker.
- LOL, I just mistook Black Bear’s production-company title card for the first frame of the movie.
- Ew! Fish!
- Is that…wicker, perchance?
- Never have I been so excited to see a textile.
- Olivia Colman! Yay!
- Wearing a wicker backpack! Double yay!
- Peter Dinklage! Triple yay!
- Thinking about Max from Happy Endings calling a wicker bassinet a “whisker basket.”
- I wish my studio apartment in Hollywood had a stone fireplace.
- We gotta bring back giant, elaborate, beekeeper-ish wedding veils.
- I don’t totally get what’s going on with these wicker eggs, but then again, I was opening my peanut butter M&Ms at what may have been a crucial time.
- “All right, virgins.” LOL.
- I would watch 10 time-lapsed hours of Peter Dinklage’s adorable forest cottage being built on Instagram Reels.
- He’s making her a husband!
- Out of what, I wonder? 🤔
- Are we sure a man is a “perfect being”? Because as someone currently dating in Los Angeles, I beg to differ.
- Not Wickerxander Skarsgård!
- Damn, he’s really creaky.
- Whither the coconut oil?
- The wicker man is a bottom?
- Hm.
- I love Olivia’s little curly pageboy.
- Uh-oh, déshabillage!
- How the top tables have turned.
- This whole scene is kind of giving “having sex with waterlogged patio furniture,” but if it works for Olivia, great.
- He’s made of wicker AND he fixes things?
- Marry him, diva!
- Oh wait, she already did.
- I have…splinter questions, let’s just say.
- This is a very sexual village!
- This blond woman is…not Elizabeth Debicki, is it?
- OMG, it is!
- Never forget that she is 6’3”.
- Everyone in my theater just did an intake of breath at the full-body nude wicker shot (or was that just me and my pervert accomplices?).
- Girl, never decline the offer of a new dress!
- Damn, Skarsgård looks fine in a white shirt while picking lavender, even when he’s (famously) made of wicker.
- Aw, Olivia’s an orphan?
- Not to change the subject, but her haircut is only growing cuter to me as this film goes on.
- Not loving the phrase “gagging for a solid log.”
- Nor “stuff her muffin,” for that matter.
- God, men (of the non-wicker variety) are such losers.
- Addicted to Olivia’s weird little chapeau.
- “Pardon my arse?” is going straight into the lexicon.
- Ooh, this childhood-crime reveal is very Alana Haim in The Drama.
- Ugh, you can’t even trust a wicker man to stay faithful.
- Why on earth does “soup of goose” sound good to me?
- It’s crazy that surgery used to just be…sewing.
- Or still kind of is?
- Love the term “straight-up fetching.”
- Sorry, I went to the bathroom, but…wicker baby?
- “Strawberry week” is a great menstrual euphemism.
- Yep, wicker baby!
- Cute!
- Sort of.
- Nope, gross, actually.
- He’s burning!!!!!!!!!!
- So many whisker baskets!
- Now that’s one charred wicker man.
- There’s no wicker-specific burn unit in this village?
- Aw, Olivia loves the wicker baby despite it all!
- “Fuckable furniture.” LOL.
- We gotta bring back the word “whence.”
- Wicker baby STUNS in new bonnet!
- There’s something so fascinating to me about the wicker man’s eyebrows.
- “You are your own, and I promise to love you as that” is actually quite romantique.
- As is: “My love doesn’t require a promise.”
- A wicker…woman?!?!?
- You’ve gone too far this time, Peter Dinklage!
- Not the wicker polyamory discourse.
- ADDICTED to Dinklage’s funky knit bucket hat.
- Like, I’d wear that to Coachella.
- I mean, I wouldn’t go to Coachella because I’m 33, but if I did!
- “No shame in desiring a third”…this LA movie audience really needed to hear that.
- Yes! Leave his ass, Tailor’s Wife!
- Ugh, not the Butcher.
- Okay, the wicker woman is hot.
- And…made of “something more durable”?
- Is it too late for me to put together a wicker woman Halloween costume to wear out in four hours?
- Get him again, wicker woman!
- We love a fatal blackthorn kiss, don’t we, folks?
- Is anyone going to set the Butcher’s Wife free, or…?
- Aw, wicker family ❤️
