Understanding wedding etiquette is one of the most important jobs of an engaged couple. When you’re hosting a celebration for your nearest and dearest, there are plenty of traditional wedding rules that you will be expected to follow—in addition to all the planning and logistics that you need to put in place. As modern etiquette rules have changed over the years, it’s helpful to give yourself a refresher as you enter your engagement period, or encounter a potential faux pas with guests during the planning process. To help guide you, we chatted with Lizzie Post, an etiquette expert, author, and great-great-granddaughter of the queen of all things manners, Emily Post.
Ahead, Post gives us an in-depth look at how to navigate hosting your wedding with grace, thoughtfulness, and tact.
1. Tell Your Inner Circle Before Announcing Your Engagement on Social Media
Wedding etiquette kicks off the moment you say “yes.” It’s only natural you want to share the good news with the world, but it’s important that your nearest and dearest hear from you first before blasting it with an Instagram post. “People can feel very hurt when they find out from a distant cousin that you are getting married,” says Post.
2. Don’t Announce Your Engagement at Someone Else’s Event
Understandably, an engagement can be a cause for excitement and celebration that puts all eyes on the newly engaged duo. So if you are at someone else’s wedding, graduation celebration, or baby shower, it’s best not to draw attention and keep the news to yourself. Post explains, “Unless the honorees encourage you to, it is never a smart idea to announce your engagement at someone else’s event, no matter what that event is—be it a coffee hour or birthday party.”
3. Have Thoughtful Conversations With Family Members Who May Help Pay for the Wedding
While it is common for couples to pay for their own weddings, many will receive some amount of financial support from parents or other family members who wish to contribute. It may feel uncomfortable broaching the conversation, but it’s an extremely important one to have early on. After all, it’s essential to have a clear idea of your budget before you begin planning. Post advises you should really only bring it up if your parents or another family member has previously implied that they would have a desire to pay for your wedding. “Get the sense your parents have the means and have made comments in the past like, ‘Oh, it’s gonna be fun chipping in for this one’s wedding one day,’” she says.
Her advised script for the conversation? “We just wanted to check in and see if you had any interest or desire to contribute to the wedding. It’s not a request to do so. It’s just a check in and an invitation if you want to. [If you do,] we want to just discuss how and what you’re thinking of.” As a side note, she advises any parents or other family members who want to contribute that it’s best to offer it up soon after the engagement so the couple can assess if they would like to say yes.
4. Understand the Expectations That Come With Financial Contributions
While there is no etiquette rule that family members who pay for some or all of the wedding must be given the right to select a portion of the guest list, it may be a stipulation that comes with their contribution. They may also have an expectation that they will be able to make some of the planning choices. It’s important to get these answers when money is offered so you can get the scope if that’s something you would want to accept. However, one etiquette rule that Post notes? “Someone who contributes to the wedding has to be offered a position of host on the invitation,” she says.
5. You Have to Invite Both Members of a Married Couple
Are you friends with someone who is married to a person that you don’t know or particularly get along with? If you want your friend to come to the wedding, you must invite their spouse. “It’s important to recognize that married couples operate socially together as a unit so you always invite both members, whether you know one of them or not,” explains Post “In situations where it’s an issue of dislike, if both parties dislike each other significantly, then the polite thing is for the partner who dislikes the couple not to come. But, you have to invite them both, and there is a chance they could both come.”
6. You Also Have to Invite Long-Established Couples Together
These days, not all couples get married. Some might live together for decades without a ring or could even be long distance. Post emphasizes the plus-one etiquette applies to them as well. “It’s important to invite couples who are long established together if they’ve been dating for multiple years—even if they don’t live together,” she says.
7. You Don’t Have to Give a Plus One to New Couples
“It gets dicier when it comes to new relationships,” remarks Post. “It’s really important to recognize that lots of people who are still in the dating phase get invited to things when they’re single. Then, they’re partnered up by the time the wedding comes.” She emphasizes, “That doesn’t mean that they automatically get to bring their partner. They were invited as a single guest. That’s it.” If the couple ends up forming a bond with the new partner and they have room to accommodate them, it’s okay to extend an invitation later to add them to the guest list, but it’s not required or expected.
8. If You Give a Plus One, The Guest Can Invite Anyone They Wish
While you can extend an invitation to a couple by name, it’s also possible to offer a guest a plus one on their invitation. Post notes, “Couples do not have to issue plus ones to any single guest. This is just not an etiquette custom.” If you do give a plus one to a guest, it’s their right to choose who to bring along with them. “They could bring a friend, a romantic partner, a hopeful romantic partner, or a sibling or other family member,” says Post.
9. Be Thoughtful With People Who Are Not Invited
Not every person you know is going to get an invitation to your wedding. But it is likely that you will have some uninvited friends asking for details about your planning. “I think it can feel like a lot of pressure when someone shows a lot of interest in a wedding and you know they haven’t made your guest list cut,” says Post. “It might be that you talk a little about how you guys handled the guest list, so that it’s clear that it’s small or you had limited numbers, and so couldn’t invite everyone you wanted to.” She does add that you shouldn’t feel obligated to share your guest list or confirm if someone is invited or not.
In some cases, someone may have the assumption that they are going to be invited. “If they said something directly like, ‘I just can’t wait to come,’ you can decide whether you just add an extra person or two depending on their circumstances or call it like it is,” she shares. “You could say, ‘I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to talk so much about the wedding. I wasn’t able to accommodate you as a guest. I’m so sorry for making it seem like I did or giving the wrong impression.’ A sincere apology is the best you can do in that circumstance.” Post adds, “In etiquette, we try to be kind with people. We try not to just take their rudeness and shove it right in their face.”
10. Set Rules Around Children Attendees
Your wedding is your own celebration, and you get to dictate who is there. That also includes whether or not children are present at your celebration. “It’s your event, and if you want it to be a kid-free weekend, it’s a kid-free weekend. You could also make a dividing line of 14 years and older, only your relatives, or only children who are in the ceremony,” notes Post. “But there needs to be a clear division, and you need to stick to it.” She does note that if you are having children as part of the ceremony, etiquette dictates that you must invite their parents to the wedding as well.
11. Send Invitations in a Timely Manner
It’s important to give your guests proper time to mark their calendars, prepare for any travel arrangements, and take time off for your celebration. That’s why save the dates and invitations should be sent within a proper time frame. “Six months to a year in advance of your wedding date, you want to send your save the dates,” advises Post. “Invitations should be sent 12 to 16 weeks out.” In the case that you decide to plan a wedding in less than six months, Post says that sending both is less necessary (and often too difficult with printing and mailing timelines), but you should absolutely inform guests as soon as possible so they can block their schedules. While she maintains that proper invitations should be printed, the etiquette expert says that a virtual save the date can occasionally be appropriate.
