Then again, sometimes the ick is not that deep. For example, I personally find fedoras hideous and embarrassing, and I really don’t want to date someone who wears one, even ironically. Hoang says that’s valid: “The ick could simply be a matter of personal taste, not psychological wiring.”
When the ick is actually a red flag
Personal preferences aside, the ick could also be a red flag in disguise. “Sometimes it is your body registering a boundary your brain hasn’t processed yet,” Hussey says, adding that an ick is generally based on aesthetics, mannerisms, or personality quirks, while a red flag is rooted in values, morals, or behavior.
For example, speaking about an ex with contempt, stonewalling during an argument, or an inability to apologize are red flags because they signify deeper issues like a lack of empathy, aggression, emotional immaturity, entitlement, or manipulative behavior. “These are behavioral patterns, not just odd moments,” says Hussey. “They reflect what psychologists would call ‘low differentiation of self,’ or poor conflict tolerance—they aren’t just bad habits; they’re signs that the relationship might not be safe or sustainable long-term.”
If you’re unsure, Hoang says to ask yourself, “Is this just a matter of taste, or does it reflect something that’s truly incompatible with who I am?”
Can you come back from the ick?
If, deep down, you know your ick is ridiculous and not a red flag, there’s hope. Most of the time, the ick isn’t really about the other person—it’s about our own fears. In such cases, Hussey says you need to get curious: “Instead of recoiling from the behavior, try to understand what it brings up in you,” he recommends. “Your nervous system might be reacting to the intimacy, the unfamiliarity, or your own internal expectations.”
To navigate the ick, Hoang recommends the following steps:
- Pause: If the ick is sudden, wait it out. It might pass or soften with time.
- Reflect: Is this about them, or about your own fear of intimacy, perfectionism, or rigid standards? Is your mind trying to protect you from vulnerability?
- Zoom out: Consider their values, kindness, and how they treat you overall.
- Be honest: Can you accept this person fully, icks and all?
