It’s easy to condemn Carrie Bradshaw for sneaking around with Big behind Aidan’s back on Season 3 of Sex and the City (or, for that matter, Aidan cheating on Carrie with his ex-wife years later on And Just Like That…), but the issue of cheating in actual, non-televised relationships can be a lot harder to parse. Nobody wants to be cheated on, and most of us don’t want to cheat—but it happens—and it doesn’t have to be the end of the world.
Below, get all the info you need on cheating, including what can lead to it, how experts like Esther Perel view it, and how to rebuild a relationship in the aftermath of its incidence. (That is, if you want to; you’re also always justified in walking out triumphantly, Nicole Kidman–post–signing–divorce–papers style.)
How common is cheating, anyway?
Based on the plots of various Netflix and HBO shows, you’d think that everyone in the world was cheating, but in fact, a 2021 study showed that around 21% of U.S. respondents admitted to having cheated on any partner (current or previous).
What are the most common issues that might lead to cheating?
Every relationship is unique, but more and more research is being done into what it is that compels people to be unfaithful. A different 2021 study surveyed 495 adults recruited through a participant pool at a large US university and through Reddit message boards dedicated to relationships. Participants self-reported cheating, and analysis of their motives revealed eight key reasons: anger, self-esteem, lack of love, low commitment, need for variety, neglect, sexual desire, and situation or circumstance. (Only a third of the study’s participants ultimately admitted that they had cheated to their primary partner, with women being more likely to confess than men.)
According to couples therapist Naomi Light, the number one reason people cheat is due to what she calls “disconnection,” elaborating: “One of the biggest reasons people cheat is the feeling that you and your partner have drifted. Perhaps the relationship has become stale and predictable and one partner is feeling trapped, looking for an escape… It could be a lack of proper communication leading to emotional distance. Or it may be that life has become busy and dominated by work and looking after kids and so time together has become more functional than loving.”
Is a partner who has already cheated more likely to cheat again?
As it turns out, there may be some truth to that old “once a cheater, always a cheater” maxim that Rachel’s mom espoused on Friends. A 2017 study surveying serial infidelity found that participants who reported extra-dyadic sexual involvement (also known as ESI, or “having sexual relations with someone other than their partner”) in one relationship were three times as likely to report engaging in the same behavior in their next relationship than those who didn’t. People change, sure, but…not always that much.
What “counts” as cheating?
This one, unfortunately, is very much in the eye of the beholder; while some people may define cheating within their relationships solely as engaging in romantic and/or sexual activity with someone else, others still may be triggered or feel betrayed by anything from “micro-cheating” to emotional cheating. For that reason, it’s well worth your time to have a conversation around boundaries and expectations with any partner you’re serious about early; sure, there’s the risk of discovering you’re misaligned, but better to establish that before someone cheats, right?
What if I want to cheat?
Relationship and sexuality expert Esther Perel delves deep into this topic on her podcast Where Should We Begin?, talking to a woman in a relationship that she describes as healthy and loving about her obsession with the thought of cheating. Perel’s take on infidelity is pretty nuanced; in her 2017 book The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, she wrote: “Sometimes, when we seek the gaze of another, it isn’t our partner we are turning away from, but the person we have become. We are not looking for another lover so much as another version of ourselves.”
If you’re wrestling with the desire to cheat in your own relationship, consider listening to the whole episode—just note that sometimes, the fantasies playing out in our heads have more to do with past trauma or emotional difficulty than they do any active desire to hurt the people who love us.
How am I supposed to react to being cheated on?
Learning that your partner has been unfaithful can deal a severe emotional blow, and while there’s no “good” or “bad” response (short of the illegal), it can be helpful to know that you’re not alone in your feelings. In a 2023 study on love and infidelity, researchers stated that infidelity-based trauma could lead to “feelings of extreme anger, betrayal, insecurity, rage, shame, guilt, jealousy and sadness.” Carrie was able to forgive Aidan for cheating on And Just Like That…, but the couple did break up shortly after. Then again, they’re fictional, so don’t let them influence your choices!
